Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
