I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
