i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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