Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
