I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
