He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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