Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize