I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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