You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my being single is dangerous.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Randomize
