I wish I could teleport
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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