Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
