I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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