I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
