i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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