he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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