Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
