i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize