woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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