I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
