I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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