I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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