oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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