my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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