I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
