My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
