She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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