he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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