I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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