I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
