I seem to have left my pride at pride
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
