I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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