I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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