my being single is dangerous.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
