it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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