We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
