I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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