I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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