If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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