I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
