I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
