i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just found a bag of teeth...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
