well I can't set my house on fire every night
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize