yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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