When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
