Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
