Your tits are I can't wait for
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize