it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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