well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
