we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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