I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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