"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
