Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
