All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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