This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
