Can Purell be used as lube?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
