dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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