I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
